Post season in hockey started to arrive and the Red Wings were looking to dominate the entire field. I watched all the rounds very intensely and would make my plans around each of the games. As the games wore on, I was more and more invested, more than I ever had since becoming a Wings fan in the early 90s, and I mean right around where the Penguins last won before 09.

The finals come around and it’s a hell of a series, eventually going to 6 games with the Wings taking it all in Pittsburgh. In a year filled with lots of bad, something good happened. I awakened a fan in me that had been sleeping for a long time. I was glad they had won, marking their 11th all time Stanley Cup. I had only wished that I had made it to at least one playoff game during that run, but one day, I’ll make it to Hockeytown and party with my fellow Wingnuts, until then, I’ll be cheering every year from my recliner.

With guitars, I have a severe probably with my hands, my fingers are stubby. So playing normal chords are a chore, and I would pretty much have to resort to power chords, which less face it, don’t really work anymore since punk is long gone. And the other issue I have is addressed with drums.

With drums I can only play for 10-20 min before my tendonitis in my right elbow kicks in and I am in extreme pain. Now, I used to fight through it when I owned a set of drums, so I developed a strange playing style because of it. Now, I miss my drums more than anything that’s no longer in my life, but I struggle back and forth whether to buy another set to fill the void, but I have a feeling once again, my tendonitis will stop me.

It’s not just drumming, guitars or playing games that cause this to flair up. Lifting heavy objects close to my body and carrying them, cooking/chopping, and really any repetitive motion that causes the muscles and tendons to flex. I even went as far to go to physical therapy to see if I could get this resolved, but in ended up making my elbow hurt worse when it was relaxed, so I stopped going.

The only current treatment for this are things I’ve already tried: Rest/protect, Ice the area, Anti-Inflammatory drugs (don’t work), Cortisone (actually haven’t done this yet), PT (hurts more), breaks (Would work, but I’d like a solid hour of play time), protect tendons.

So, I guess what I’m saying is that I’m giving up on any hopes and dreams to actually play any instrument longer than 20 min before it kicks in again. That’s why I’m cursed. I can never learn something I love and make music organically, meaning, no computers creating the sounds.

*sigh*

I used to want to experience all things and would try do to about half of what I set out to accomplish. Today it seems I’m hovering at about 5%.

I make excuses as to why I don’t show up for events and gatherings with friends. It’s simply because I have let my anxiety take over and I try to avoid situations involving more than 4 people.

I mean, when I do go out, I have a great time. I want to go to more concerts, but with the lack of friends that have the same interests as me, the simple act of going to the event, the huge crowd of people, and my anxiety induced IBS (self diagnosed and probably mild) keeps me from enjoying music I love.

I’ve been on anti depressants for anxiety but I felt it changed me in a way I didn’t like, so I stopped taking them. It was great when I did, but I needed to not be drugged all the time to enjoy myself. Maybe I’ll come back to it at a later date, but in the meantime I’ll let my body control how I feel and react.

So that’s me. Anxiety ridden, depressed, and unwilling to change. You have to take me as I am, because there’s no way I’m changing after 29 years of living.

Dr. Cox: Relationships don’t work the way they do on television and in the movies: Will they, won’t they, and then they finally do and they’re happy forever — gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half the ones that get married get divorced, anyway. And I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, ’cause I do…believe in it. Bottom line…is the couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but, the big difference is, they don’t let it take ‘em down.

I no longer follow Questlove on Twitter, I won’t even bother linking or looking up anything about him because it’s not worth it. Why? Because he is so quick to play the race card.

First time was the meal at NBC picked out by a BLACK WOMAN who was allowed to pick a meal for the day and had been planning on it for months. It was also during February, so it had to be racist with chicken and greens and shit. He started a stink about it on Twitter, only to recant later on because he’s a fucking idiot.

Yesterday he talked about racism again, this time tied to a FAKE account of John Boehner talking about gang banging and listening to rap music, so it had to be racist and had to be about blacks, right?

He’s constantly looking for a racist thing in life to go after it. This is why racism will always live in America, because some people are ALWAYS on the look out for it. Yes, racism still exists in the world, but actively looking and pointing out the little things constantly, does nothing to help the cause.

People today are far too sensitive to certain sayings and situations and are quick to play the card, when they should just let it go. There will always be people who are racist to an extent, even some extreme, but you can’t let it beat you up.

Also, racism exists in every race. There isn’t just white on black or white on mexican. It’s all over and until we all put our differences behind us, we’ll never escape our ugly past.

I’d broken down different books to represent different aspects of my life. Currently I have an idea, random thoughts, work related, and one that contains writings about one person only. I’m very inconsistent with my writings. Some months I’ll write day after day, while others I’ll write once or twice.

I’ve had people tell me that I can write when I try, and that’s a problem. I don’t want to try to write something meaningful. It’s how I am in almost every aspect of my life. I want to just be, and let things happen. Putting forth the effort is putting myself out there. Maybe for the potential of doing something great, or maybe I’ll get hurt in the process.

I write down things on the PC and erase them, or I’ll ponder over a phrase or a word and then just delete it all because it all seems ridiculous. I do want to write more than just a ramble, but after 5 minutes of writing, my brain refuses to continue on a serious path.

Maybe I’ll let it all out, maybe I’ll see where I go from here.

Can I stop it next time?

I was once talking to a girl, who unfortunately suffered the loss of her husband from suicide. In fact, it was a self inflicted gunshot that killed him.

So I’m talking to her and I watch this video about some Japanese prank dealing with a sniper, and because I’m a dumbass, I send the link her way without thinking and I’m fucking yuking it up and then she tells me that it isn’t that funny.

I feel like a total jerk, in fact, that comes off pretty insensitive to not even think about how someone feels.

Yeah, that’s my life, constantly saying or doing many insensitive things without thinking it through.

I am a dumbass.

Today marks the first full day in my new place. I know over time my townhouse will become the greatest home I’ve ever lived in. It’s been a long time in the making, and I feel it’s overdue. To think back on how big I used to think my apartment was to knowing that it was indeed smaller.

Moving from 1200sqft to 1750sqft (plus an unfinished basement) is just crazy. I have a deck and a garage finally. I finally feel like I’m at a good place in my life. I always thought I had a plan to get to where I’m at currently. I would get married, wait it out a bit, save, and then buy a house to start a family in, but things change. I still worry and wish to plan my future, but I know ultimately I can’t do that. Right now, I’ll enjoy being in my new place, getting things to my liking and worrying about the rest later. That’s not to say I still don’t worry about those things on a daily basis, I’ll just stop making them the focus of my life.

You grow further and further apart from those you were closest with. You aren’t living the same lives any longer and it’s harder for them to understand. Regardless of anything it seems we can never escape high school passive aggressiveness no matter how old we grow. Sometimes we reach a point in ours lives when we must decide what relationships are the healthiest and continue to nurture those further. Allthewhile dropping any relationship that is damaging to your greater self.

This is not selfish actions, but merely a way of preserving ones self and not letting petty issues get in the way of the bigger picture.

Times like these call for action rather than inaction. We always wish to never reach a point in our life where we can no longer stand being around a close friend, but some of us have to grow up and mature eventually.