Loss

I was thinking a bit today while doing absolutely nothing, and I believe the “theme” for my entire life to this point has been loss. Whether it’s loss of a long term relationship through breakup, death of family members, friends I’ve had over the years or jobs, I’m always in the red in each category.

Since wrapping up High School and getting into the “real world,” I’ve taken a loss on many fronts, now I understand it’s all a part of life, but in 11 years, maybe a lot of losing friends has to do with myself. I’d like to say I’m easy to get along with, but looking over things, maybe I’m a bit critical on things I shouldn’t be. Ever since reading Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff years ago, I thought I’d never let little things bother me, but in fact, they have. I might have shifted what small stuff I let go, but other things I just can’t seem to let go of on a daily basis. Maybe it’s just my crazy personality, but it bothers me, and in 11 years, I haven’t made much headway in changing things I don’t like about myself. I guess it’s come down to a love me or get out at this point, and I wish it wasn’t, because that philosophy has left me and more broken and empty shell of a person.

I’ve forgiven many people from my past and they’re included in my present, but others I can’t seem to just forgive. Maybe it’s because I’m so headstrong about certain things, and some people view that as a good characteristic of me, but sometimes I wonder why I stand my ground when it just leads me to be miserable. I can’t change so easily because then I feel like I’ve let myself down.