anhedonic

So much of the time I feel as though I don’t fully enjoy life as I should. I believe one should experience life to it’s fullest potential, but here I am keeping to myself.

I used to want to experience all things and would try do to about half of what I set out to accomplish. Today it seems I’m hovering at about 5%.

I make excuses as to why I don’t show up for events and gatherings with friends. It’s simply because I have let my anxiety take over and I try to avoid situations involving more than 4 people.

I mean, when I do go out, I have a great time. I want to go to more concerts, but with the lack of friends that have the same interests as me, the simple act of going to the event, the huge crowd of people, and my anxiety induced IBS (self diagnosed and probably mild) keeps me from enjoying music I love.

I’ve been on anti depressants for anxiety but I felt it changed me in a way I didn’t like, so I stopped taking them. It was great when I did, but I needed to not be drugged all the time to enjoy myself. Maybe I’ll come back to it at a later date, but in the meantime I’ll let my body control how I feel and react.

So that’s me. Anxiety ridden, depressed, and unwilling to change. You have to take me as I am, because there’s no way I’m changing after 29 years of living.