Hockey Fever

I’m sure all -2 of you are wondering why all this super sudden interest in hockey? Well, I gave it some thought this week and I believe it’s my replacement for a relationship. Hear me out, I’m about to compare them. Remember Fever Pitch? Yeah the US version. Jimmy Fallon’s character, Ben, goes on about the Red Sox, but you can sub in Hockey…

Why? I’ll tell you why, ’cause the Red Sox never let you down. That’s right. I mean – why? Because they haven’t won a World Series in a century or so? So what? They’re here. Every April, they’re here. At 1:05 or at 7:05, there is a game. And if it gets rained out, guess what? They make it up to you. Does anyone else in your life do that? The Red Sox don’t get divorced. This is a real family. This is the family that’s here for you.

It’s true. Since becoming a hockey fan, and more importantly, a Red Wings fan, I have always came back. Even after two strikes, I’m still watching it and now I’m loving it more than ever. I guess after all the stuff that happened to me I had to find a new outlet for my time and it wasn’t going to be alcohol. Amazingly enough the year I finally got back in hockey my team wins. This year they’re looking strong again and could even go all the way once more. It’s great to be a hockey fan. Why? Let me list a couple of items.

1. Ice. That’s right. ICE. It’s like figure skating, but with running into people and punching them in the face.
2. Stick handling. Have you seen the sick shit these guys do while skating? I wish my coordination was that good, I can barely walk.
3. Endurance. Granted they get 15-45 sec shifts, lots of players are on the ice for 20+ minutes in a 60 minute game. You gotta be in top physical condition for this sport
4. Vulcanized rubber. Damn right. That shit is frozen before it’s dropped making it even worse.
5. Constant action. Even when there’s no goal scoring there’s shit going on. Football? Please, there’s breaks after every play. Baseball? Too much waiting around. Soccer? Is that fucking field the size of Brazil? This is boring. Basketball? Wooo they put it in a hoop.
6. Goalie Masks. Dude, have you seen the sick designs on those things?
7. Skates. Potential killing device.
8. Shootout. WHO DOESN’T LIKE A GOOD SHOOTOUT?
9. Playoffs, OT. No commercial breaks in OT.
10. The names. Who doesn’t like saying these names? Come on, really?

Those were all I could think about without sounding too cheesy. But there you have it.