Sometimes

I wrote this post back on January 27th, and I don’t know why I never published it, but below is what I was thinking many months ago.

I started having problems sleeping immediately after being laid off. I just wasn’t getting as tired as I used to. It sort of feels like a burden has been lifted. But now I have to face the fact that I can’t get to sleep. Last night I was up until 700am. I just wasn’t tired at all, until morning broke and I had to stay up until I could take my medication. I only slept 5 hours then, but I eventually grabbed another 3 around 6pm. My sleep schedule is completely screwed up now and I never really had a grasped on my last sleep schedule and I’d been on that for 3 years now.

It’s been just over 3 years since the last time I was without a job. It feels oddly strange to be sitting around the house not being able to do what you want to do. I feel like a prisoner trapped within the confides of my apartment. I’ve been trying to occupy my time by watching TV shows, movies, playing video games and surfing the web, that is of course when I’m not actively searching for a job online. I just can’t seem to remain still now. That was one of the biggest things about me, I could sit still forever and not be bothered by the fact I was doing absolutely nothing. Now that I do this all the time, my body wants to roam, wants to get out and explore, yet I can’t do anything to put a strain on my situation.

I had my first quasi-breakdown episode today as well. I was watching Dexter and I was holding my dog in my arms, and all I could think about were babies, and somehow I just lost it. With all the things that have occurred to me in just the past year, it has me questioning a million things about my life. I know everyone is there for me at the moment, but…

… I guess at this point I just couldn’t write anymore and it was too much to think about…